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A Screenplay for David

by athena (guest writer)    March 25, 2002

Editor's note: We recently received this wonderful email from our friend, athena (the MFA Lesbian), in response to David's recent "My Movie" piece:

After reading the "Bottle Rocket" thing...well, I've been keeping this to myself, but I've got a brilliant idea for a screenplay for David. Here's a little teaser.

Yesterday evening as I was leaving the Geffen [a theater in Los Angeles -- ed.], I was really hungry. It was late, so I didn't want to eat anything heavy (as then I'd feel like the proverbial "fat, guilty cow") so I thought, "Hmm. I think I'll make myself some popcorn when I get home." But I like to sprinkle a little parmesean cheese on my popcorn and I was out...and out of money. What to do? Filled with hope and anticipation, I looked in the Geffen fridge. And there it was, some parmesean cheese. So I "borrowed" it -- slipped it into my bag and headed home.

I got home and got the popcorn going. Mmmm. Smells delightful. With the popping almost finished, I opened the parmesean cheese. My heart sank. It was 85% stale and covered with a blue-green mold. "Well!" I thought. "That leaves me a good 15%!" So I spooned as much of the mold out as I could and put in on my popcorn!! It smelled and tasted a little weird, but sort of yummy nonetheless. I finished my popcorn, but alas, was not satisfied. "Perhaps I'll boil an egg or two." Eggs are pretty good for you, and not overly caloric or fattening. So I boiled two succulent, brown eggs. A little later, as I was peeling my steaming eggs, I thought, "Hey, why not go all the way and make DEVILED eggs? Sure there's fattening mayonnaise in that, but don't you burn calories when you're asleep? And was going to sleep very soon. So...deviled eggs it was!! A wolf couldn't have eaten them faster!

I don't know if it was the moldy parmesean cheese, the deviled eggs themselves, or the expired dijon with which I made the eggs, but curiously, I was up half the night with the shits. Like the sweating, "I'm going to die, please kill me" shits.

I'm better today, with just a few lingering shits. But all in all - what an adventure!!

So how's THAT for a screenplay??

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