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D&D and Real Life

by joseph
Apr 29, 2001

It seems like the world, while not an enitrely uninteresting or dreary place, would be so much more exciting if only it were indeed the universe of Dungeons & Dragons. As the "Dungeon Master" in the 80's D&D cartoon would say, "Welcome to the Realm of Dungeons & Dragons":

  • The Buddhist statuary in Afghanistan wouldn't have needed the U.N. to try to save them, because each statue would actually be either a stone golem or a caryatid column, and could take care of itself.
  • Republicans would be vindicated because Bill Clinton would actually be a devil (probably a Type VI) sent from one of the planes of hell, most likely the Eighth.
  • Racial tensions would be more interesting, because some would have infravision and others wouldn't.
  • The Grand Wizard of the KKK would actually be a wizard and not just a retard in his bathrobe with a big white Bugle chip stuck on his head.
  • If you got hurt you could just go into any church and be pretty sure you could find someone there to cast a cure light wounds on you (further vindicating GWB's "faith-based programs" initiative).
  • Since you'd know how many hit points you had and how much damage you could potentially take from a fall, you could figure out just how high a fall you could survive, which would be cool at parties.
  • You could become a bard and learn how to charm people and then make a killing as a car salesman.
  • Yahweh and Allah would just take on corporeal form and battle over the West Bank themselves, and while it could potentially be even more destructive, at least it would settle things once and for all.
  • If you completed some quest or what-not, you'd have people singing epic songs of praise about you, which is pretty cool if you think about it.
  • Having the ability to cast a fireball would come in handy when you're in a meeting and people just keep dragging it out, or when you were in a theatre and people were talking, or you were at a party and no one was paying any attention to you. In short, almost anywhere.
  • You could cheat on your saving throws.

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