Part 1: Fantasy Football for Females
Ladies, Here's a brief overview of why your husband or boyfriend or "partner" paid more attention to the boob-tube this weekend, then they did to you this week ... simply put: First week of Football! And, if they're any kind of American, or have any kind of masculine hormones, or if they simply like to check out the new color schemes in the Tampa Bay Jerseys, you are probably in a Fantasy Football League.
So, I thought I'd give you a heads up on what happened, and why you heard your partners scream and yell and take certain "God's" names in vain from time to time, and then turn and ask the heavens within minutes "why, oh, why would they do that on 3rd down?!" It's very simple -- drugs.
Fantasy Football is a drug, and if you care about your loved one, you'll either get them to therapy soon, or much like one of those blatantly subtle and dull Irish film characters (whom I'm also addicted to), "just join them in their misery and take a toke off the Fantasy Bong!"
If you cannot bring yourself to this, or if you've given your cherished lover that one luxury in life in exchange for your yoga classes and frozen yogurts, then fine--at least you should know what the hell fantasy football is all about then.
First of all, it's a fantasy. So, do not let them tell you it has anything to do with strategy--much like those young nerdy men in college with the long chin hairs and weird eyebrows who tell you there's "Strategy" in which spell to cast on which characters in Dungeons and Dragons, there is none! Really, they care more about the storytelling and the male bonding...so, when they yell something like "you're friggin kidding me, you're putting him in to run the goal line?!" ...
Here's a simple one-stop shop answer that will shut them up:
"Well, obviously they're going to do that--they know that you have the other guy on your fantasy team!"
Now, this may sound coy and odd and perhaps even too blunt, but I tell you you'll get this for a response every time:
"Exactly! They do this to me every time! It's like whoever I PICK has a bad day..."
Then, after the game, when they lose--comfort them (and humiliate them) by saying, "Seriously--do you think Michael Bennett would rather play well and make more money, or score fantasy points so you can win $200 at the end of the season? I'm certain you're picking him up off waivers this week, did not play a role in his demise."
With that in mind, remember this is a game where we Fanball-heads watch football all day long, read about all week long, on-line, and chat with our friends in "smack" rooms about who's who and who's going to do what to who--and then we make a final "draft" based on players who scored a lot of points last week, and we "gamble" on them repeating those feats. Some gambles work--some do not. When they do, We (the heads) truly believe it had something to do with our accuracy and decisiveness in choosing them for our team. And, when they do not work --- We take the blame and call a press conference to publicly apologize to the fans and the team for our mistake in taking such risks so late (or early) in the season.
See, we do not and cannot fathom the fact that players out there, (running, tackling, hitting, catching and butt-patting) actually have NO CLUE who we are. No, indeed it's the opposite--we believe we own them. They're on our team and we paid for them. So, they need to perform or we'll cut them! And, it hurts to get cut--no one wants that. So, if they know what's best--they'll play their hearts out for the "Team."
Let me address team names for a moment. There are different types of names, and they say a lot about a person. For example; I change my team name every week based on how they played last week--and how I think they'll perform this week. Last week I was the "Least Likelies" and this week I'm the "Big Willies" (due to Willie Parker's outstanding performance.) If I win this week, perhaps I'll go with "The Coming on Strongs". If I lose I'll be "The back to the drawing boards..." This, says a great deal about my A.D.D.
Now, if your guy is a beer-guzzlin', ass-kickin' homophobe...likely he'll go with something manly and stick with it and keep that name until he dies. Names like:
The Monster Car Garage Heads
6-PACK and TWO CHICKS
KYLE'S DEN OF PAIN
I don't think I need to elaborate--this, indeed--should say a lot about your beau--and yet, also be aware of names such as:
The Tight End Crew
These names could indicate something quite different about your significant other...
The silver and Red
Al's spandex boys
The Packers Love
The Forever Plaids
Well, that's a quick week one introduction and overview. Though this is VALUABLE INFORMATION, you may not get extra lovin's tonight--but you will indeed give your loved one a very good reason to believe you understand fantasy football -- because you now know as much as him. Now, for the rest of my article--I shall go into some "fantasy" detail, so you may read on--or at this point, share with your hunk of love--this gentle story of one Man's fantasy of other men in tights...
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Fantasy Football for Fanatics
Week One: The Least Likelies become The Big Willies
Hey Fanball-heads! If you're like me, you're pleased as punch that Week one is over and finally, we can begin to decipher in our own heads, and lie (strategically of course) to our opponents about who we think will "pick it up within the next few weeks" and who'll be "benched" for one of the many potential starting running backs for Minnesota. My thought is -- Ciatrick Fason is the Future! (But, if you're in my league for example, you might not want to take that too seriously!)
So, week one went surprisingly well for me. After our draft 2 weeks ago and for the 3rd time in 3 years I got the 12th pick out of 12 teams, I was feeling pretty crappy that I just spent $100. I'm certain this "drawing names" thing is rigged!
So, I wound up getting Antonio Gates and Rudy Johnson as my 1st and 2nd picks. Not bad--but seriously not the moves I would've even made at 10th pick! So, I had to scramble after that--when it returned to me, I quickly snapped up Andre Johnson and Jake Plummer, in that order and then for my 5th and 6th picks, I came out looking quite genius! Willie Parker and then Brandon Stokely. That made 12th pick feel a little better. Next, I had to take Ashley Lelie, purely on hype...and purely on the fact that there were very few receivers left after that!
I rounded off my team with Vikings and Eagles Defense, Carney as my kicker and my back ups are Antwan Randle El, Mewelde Moore, Chris Brown, Heath Miller and Joey Harrington.
First week of Play was interesting--At the last moment, Saturday, even though I started Chris Brown, I find out on the newswire, Willie Parker will indeed start the first week in place of Duce Staley and Jerome Bettis, both out with injuries. So, I put him in my swing spot--which is the non-running back starter, non-wide receiver starter--just a spot where you can pick up extra points. It's the one spot on your team where you can put anyone in that spot--and take a gamble. My gamble worked! The guy (Willie) runs for 160 yards, a TD and has a bunch of catches and I get 57 fantasy points! I won 205-198, so I definitely needed him. Now, of course everyone in the league is kicking themselves for laughing at me for drafting him, but of course--I am a Steelers fan!
I am concerned, though. I still have Ashley Lelie on my team, and Jake Plummer. I can only start 2 receivers! Any thoughts?! And Jake! Jeez! I started both of them and am beginning to wonder if this is a good idea. I will think hard this week and perhaps replace Ashley with Brandon Stokely --- all together. I'm certainly benching Chris Brown, I'll tell ya--in place of Willie Parker. But that's only for a few weeks! But the Ashley-Jake thing--has me stressed...no idea what to do...because Harrington ain't no piece of crap--but he's playing Chicago this week: Tough Defense. Jake usually comes out with about 450 yards a week...but can he do it this year? They lost to Miami for Pete's sake!
So, for this week--I'm feeling confident only because my opponent has nothing but Culpepper. Everyone else he has is either injured, or splitting carries with another starter or frankly...NO GOOD! However, after week 2 I'll be in serious need of another running back. Willie won't stay in forever, likely (Duce will come back soon...and if the Steelers have a brain they'll keep Duce on the bench--but I don't trust they know my opinion yet...) and I probably need to make a move for a new QB, rather than rely on Jake. It's going to be hectic and if I want to avoid a 3rd straight season taking 7th place in a league where the top 6 make the playoffs--I'll need as many strategic moves as there are weeks in a season!
Hey--as I am a self-proclaimed fantasy expert, I'm looking to give advice in this area and receive it--so if you're interested, give me a holler and we'll chat!
Week 2 Forecast:
The big players from last week, for the most part will be slowed down this week. Except for Willie Parker. He's playing a team that seems beat up right now, Tennessee. Meanwhile, the likes of Cadillac Williams certainly have something to learn and he'll learn that against a tough Chicago Defense. And, for those of you in love with Gus Ferotte, like me, please remember he plays for Miami. One of his own players is likely to step on him and break his leg! Finally, Peyton Manning will be Peyton Manning again--and Donald Driver is looking great, in the fall of Javon Walker--out for the season! And, remember McNabb is slightly injured and playing a shockingly "mediocre" (and improving) Defense in San Francisco.
Willie Parker- (RB), Steelers
Patrick Crayton-(WR), Cowboys
Peyton Manning- (QB), Colts
Santana Moss-(WR), Redskins
Donald Driver-(WR), Packers
Priest Holmes-(RB), Chiefs
Gus Ferotte-(QB), Dolphins
Curtis Martin-(RB), Jets
Cadillac Williams-(RB), Buccaneers
Donavan McNabb-(QB), Eagles