the Fellowship of the Ring: Extended Edition
from another point of view
December 9, 2002
The only reason I agreed to watch The Lord of the Rings is because I thought one of the main characters was named Dildo. "Finally!" I thought. "A mainstream movie for lesbians!"
I sat down to watch the extended DVD with the sexy redheaded cello player I invited over (nice tits). I was anxious and ready with the 'pause' button, as well as having strategically placed the lubricants, strap-on, and vibrator for when the girl-on-girl scenes got really hot.
So then we watch the movie, and boy was I pissed!
First of all, the lead is named Bilbo...with a B. And he was some old queen obsessed with jewelry, because all he did was finger and whine about some ring. Then he gives the ring to his young relative, an ugly girl named Frodo, who gets roped into taking the ring on a very dangerous journey to destroy it. OK, she's pretty brave, I'll give her that. So Frodo takes off (oh, and by this time I realize "she's" a boy, but obviously gay just like his uncle), with his annoying midget buddies and his boyfriend Sam. I figured the reason Frodo was always so wide-eyed and earnest is because of the non-stop reach-arounds from Sam.
Later they hook up with some other guys at the counsel of Elrond, the head elf, who will help Frodo in destroying the ring. The ring guild was all male, but they seemed pretty cool. And that Legolas...what great skin! It's only a matter of time with all the bonding, fighting, sleeping in the woods next to each other, and with two more films to go, that some dicks are going to end up in some asses (hey Sam, could you take yours out for a minute?). Except for Aragorn, the definitely straight, sexy would-be king. You know his ass is definitely 'closed for business'. The only thing I found offensive to my feminist sensibilities was the Great Eye of Sauron -- the flaming eye. That they chose a flaming labia/vagina to be the image of ultimate evil, well we all know what that means, don't we?
But in the end, being that my redheaded companion was slightly bisexual, she got pretty turned-on when Aragorn was fighting and being all swarthy and whatnot. You can bet I pushed 'pause' during the final Orc fight!
So, suffice to say, the Lord of the Rings ended up getting me some pretty hot sex after all. I recommend this movie.