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Other Homeland Security Additions
by david    November 25, 2002

Last Tuesday, the Senate passed the long-debated Homeland Security Bill, despite grave misgivings about some of the bill's late-in-life additions, including provisions which allow the government to contract with companies who've moved off-shore to avoid taxes, protect pharmaceutical companies (retroactively, even) from being liable for vaccine side-effects, and establish a security reserach lab facility in Bush's state of Texas, on the Texas A&M campus. While those provisions are the most debated, other not-quite-kosher provisions managed to slip under the media's radar:

  • provision 127.27.a, which states that all Americans must hereafter refer to Trent Lott as "Daddy."
  • provision 77.1c, which lists the top 10 hottest TV hearthrobs of all time, wherein Bea Arthur edges out Heather Locklear for the top spot.
  • provision 444a, which renames all of the midwest (including Oklahoma, Nebraska, Iowa, Minnesota, and North and South Dakotas) "North Texas," and California "Dirty Hippie-ville."
  • provision 116.36.g, which states that "Solar Power" and "Alternative Fuel Sources" will be referred to as "Commie Power" and "Anti-American Fuel Sources," respectively.
  • provision 3.f, which replaces the 3 remaining liberals on Capitol Hill with Joe "I'm almost a Republican" Liberman clones.
  • provision 67.99.21.k, which declares Osama Bin Laden dead already, so we can commence with the bombing of somebody else.
  • provision 69.b, which deals with the abolition of non-executive wages in American corporations. Workers must continue to come to work, but they will no longer be paid. Instead, they must make a "purchase request" to the company's finance dept. for each item they wish to buy, including all clothing, food items and medicines. If approved, items will be requisitioned and employees may pick them up on the third Sunday of each month. Water will, according to a seperate paragraph, be distributed freely by the cupful, after work hours. Employees must supply their own cups, which can be purchsed via "Water Cup Requisition Form 1145z." Executives will continue to be paid at current salary inflation rates.
  • provision 888c, which allows corporations to run for political office, effectively cutting out the middle-man. Vote for Pespi/Microsoft in 2004!

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