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Peter Jackson is Having My Baby
another FOTR: Extended Edition review

by chad    December 23, 2002

Okay, so he's not exactly having my baby, but he should, and I couldn't think of a better title for yet another Lord of the Rings movie review. But here it is! Hot off the server and ready to read:

So, for my wife's birthday, I bought her THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING: Special Extended Edition Collector's DVD Gift Set. Along with her five DVDs, she got some sweet Pillars of Argonath bookends. Those babies will go nicely on my desk. Our desk. I meant "our" desk.

And after whipping up my special beef stroganoff, I cracked a case of Schlitz, and we settled in for the three-and-a-half-hour epic adventure. Afterwards, I said to myself, "Sauron--" (I always refer to myself by the Dark Lord's moniker). I said, "Sauron, you should write a review for the Clark Schpiell. I mean, if a lesbian can do it, so can you." And I replied to myself, "Sauron, you're right. I should. God knows I haven't written anything since moving to LA, this cultural wasteland, this good-taste black hole, so why not a good, old-fashioned, pussy-loving movie review?"

To conclude, here's a scene-by-scene, or actually, beer-by-beer breakdown of my personal viewing of TLOTR:TFOTR:SEE. Crack a cold Schlitz (or Hamm's if you're feeling spendy) and enjoy.

  • BEER #1
    Hmm, interesting. The opening sequence is a bit longer than the theatrical version. I don't know if it's necessary, but it does include some important background information. I love the shot of the nine kings of men. It's so foreboding and eery.

  • BEER #2-6
    I wonder how much longer this opening sequence is going to last. I need more Sauron kicking ass, less Cate Blanchett blah, blah, blah.
    This calm before the storm, if you will, is a good opportunity to note the similarities between Middle-earth and World War II Europe. Although Tolkien always scorned such comparisons ... wow, do I have to pee.

  • BEER #7
    Finally! It's over. I guess it's true what they say about excessive narration and exposition: I need another beer.

  • BEER #8
    Damn. Gandalf has one big-ass nose. I guess it's true what they say about wizards and their big noses (wink, wink). Get it? That means they're well-endowed in the staff area, if you know what I mean. Huh? Huh? It means they have big ol' penises.
    Pipe-weed. I mean, SERIOUSLY. Was Tolkien some kind of stoner back in the day, or what? You know there's some tie-dye wearin' college kids out there just giggling:
      THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING - 1st draft
      by Peter Jackson, his wife, and some other dude


      Bilbo Baggins and his homey, Gandalf the Grey, are just kickin' it, toking on some long-ass pipes, sipping what appears to be gin and juice.

      BILBO: Old Toby. Best damn shit in the whole friggin' Shire. Know what'm sayin', bizitch?
      GANDALF: I do not agree, my old friend. Nothing has ever kicked my ass nearly as hard as that madman Chronic.
      BILBO: Word.
      GANDALF: Word.

      As Gandalf blows smoke in the form of a ship, Bilbo munches noisily on a burrito.

      CUT TO ...

  • BEER #9
    Yes, Liv Tyler. Ride that horse. Ride it! RIDE THAT WILD BEAST UNTIL YOU CAN RIDE NO MORE! Whew. That was fantastic. I need another beer. And a moist towelette.
    Is this the sequel to ATTACK OF THE CLONES? I mean, what the fuck is Count Dooku doing here?

  • BEER #10
    Holy crap, that Legolas is one hot chick. She's got small tits, but that ass won't quit! I wonder if she's single. In real life, of course. Not Made-up Fairyland (Middle-earth).
    Shit. Elrond has one big-ass forehead. Guess it's true what they say about elves and their big foreheads. Huh? Get it? (sigh)
    Elijah Woods is such a little girl. He's like that kid in my grade school everybody used to beat up. Oh, wait. That was me.
    That Isildur dude was one stupid fucker. I mean, throw it in the fire already. I guess he just couldn't listen to Elrond. He was too blinded by greed-- and the gleam off that big-ass forehead.

  • BEER #11
    Man, I need to piss. AGAIN. Good. I'll just go during all this Aragorn/Arwen lovey-dovey crap. That Arwen is a hotty, though. But not quite as hot as Legolas. She's the finest babe I've seen in quite some time.
    Heh. Heh-heh. Pipe-weed.
    My wife has fallen asleep at the Gates of Moria. Crapola. One of the most exciting parts of the whole freakin' movie. Well, I guess she's not gettin' any tonight. Serves her right.
    "Nobody tosses a dwarf!" is probably the finest line in all of movie history.
    That fucking Balrog can lick my Balsack.

  • BEER #10
    If this was filmed in New Zealand, where the hell are all the kangaroos?
  • BEER #11
    Frodo? Bilbo? What the hell kind of names ARE those? Are they supposed to be fucking Marx brothers or something?

  • BEER #12
    Gimli. Stubby. Heh, heh-heh, heh.
    Oooooh! So, Galadriel gave them those gay leaf-brooches. That clears that up. During the theatrical version I thought maybe they had just stopped off at the Bloomingdale's of Argonath.

  • BEER #14
    Smokes. Boromir bit it hard. I guess he should've spent more time playing with his sword, and less time blowing ... his ... uh ... horn. I give up.

  • BEER #15
    Yes, Frodo, hug your chubby lover, Sam. I'm okay with it if you are.

  • BEER #16
    What kind of a stupid fucking ending is that? Thank God this movie did well enough so they could afford a sequel. Otherwise, it's like, leave me totally hanging.

  • BEER #17
    Ha-ha! I saw Dave and Chris's names in the credits. You guys are HUGE nerds. I mean, I knew you were geeks, but nerds, too?
  • I then proceeded to piss my pants and pass out.

    Overall, I give TLOTR:TFOTR:SEE a 17 out of a possible 24 beer. It would've scored higher, but there was no gratuitous sex and no car chase. I can't wait for THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE TWO TOWERS: Special Super-Duper Extended All The Footage Peter Jackson Has Ever Shot Since He Was Twelve Edition. I'll need a keg.

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