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I Was One Angry Dyke!
A revealing, touching interview with myself.
by athena   January 29, 2004

editor's note: this is athena's response to her recent story about being gay

Boy, Athena, were you angry! What was your deal?

A: That's a very good question. I think a lot of the anger and frustration came from the precursor of my monthly visit from Aunt Flo. When I was writing this I really wish someone would have said, "What's you problem? Are you PMSing?" I don't know why women get so angry when someone (usually men) asks them this very valid question. When someone asks me, I gratefully step back. tilt my head quizzically and think, "Hmm. Good question. Am I pms-ing?"

Was PMS the only reason?

A: All right. I wasn't going to get into this, but I'm tired of hiding behind the truth. The truth about lesbians that no lesbian is willing to talk about...

Go ahead...

A: God, suddenly my mouth got really dry. Fuck it. I'm tired of living in fear. The only reason lesbians are lesbians is not because we love women and it's not because we hate men. There are two schools 1) we wish we had a penis and/or 2) we just haven't been dicked by the right penis. Can I have some water?

(she drinks an entire bottle of Evian)
Wow. I bet that's not going to go over well with the donut bumpers. Why have they never admitted this? I mean, they've been accused of that since the movie Fried Green Tomatoes.

A: It's jealousy. Jealousy of the penis. No, worship of the penis. We're mad because we don't have one, because really, everybody knows they're the best thing ever. And then there's the group who is angry because they haven't been dicked by the right penis.

Describe that group.

A: The ones who are too fat or ugly to get a man.

Now that you've gotten this off your chest, which, if I may say, is very nice.

A: Thank you. Want to touch them?

I have. But how do you feel now?

A: How do I feel? Free!! I'm going to shout it from the rooftops. "I'm so jealous of the penis except for the small ones, but otherwise I think they're the best thing ever and men are right that we should worship them!! Penis, penis, PENIS!!" And I want to say to all the CSP readers out there who read my "Frustrated and Angry" article that nothing I said should be taken seriously because 1) I was PMSing and 2) I was only an angry dyke because I could never admit my profound, crippling, all-consuming jealousy of the penis.

Now that you've made this breakthrough, are you going back to men?

A: No.

So you want to, uh, get some coffee sometime?

A: How 'bout we just skip the coffee...

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