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What's On My Desk

by david    April 08, 2002

Last Friday was, blessedly, a shortened day of work for me -- not because of a holiday of vacation (or imaginary but temporarily debilitating illness), but rather because my department were being moved into new cubicles, and I was required to leave early in order that I not be an obstacle in the move. While my new cube is in a somewhat less-desirable location than the old (as a result of three rounds of deep layoffs at my floundering dot-com, I was almost totally alone in my section of the building -- now I am once again surrounded by people, many of whom expect me to actually work), the move did give me the opportunity to clean away a year's worth of crap from my desktop. What I found were some wondrous personal items which, when initially placed on my desk, were a sad attempt to somewhat distract me from the fact that I was at a terribly boring day job, and not on a glamorous movie set. Sadly, they did not work long, since they were soon covered in piles of unnecessary print-outs, faxes (who still uses a fax machine?!) and various horribly boring work-related junk. Now, however, they are uncovered and prominently displayed on my desk, at least for the next week until they are once again buried. Because I like to pretend that any of you out there give a tiny shit about my life, I'd love to share with all of you my pathetic attempts at creating a little joy to compliment my day-to-day drudgery:

Pictures of my Wife
I have exactly 5 pictures of Shannon gracing the walls/shelves of my tiny cube. 2 are from her headshots, 2 are from our wedding, and one is from a play we were in together in college. I mention these items first because she's very pretty, they bring me much joy, and because she's been reading the site a lot more lately, and at some point this week I'm sure I'll need to do a little ass-kissing, and this might help.

Superman Ornament
This small Superman XMas ornament, dangling from the side of my low-end monitor, reminds me that even the most powerful of the Justice League heroes had to have a crappy-ass day job.

Picture of my Cat
My fucking cat doesn't have a day job, and he lives rent-free in a nice house, gets all his meals free, and, though he doesn't often make use of the TiVo or Airport wireless network, he could if he wanted to. Of course, in order to get these things, he had to have his balls cut off and wear a collar which says "Westley -- All Shots Current," so I can't be too jealous of him.

A Pig Which Craps Out Brown Jellybeans
My Easter gift from Shannon's aunt. It would be funnier if I hadn't eaten all of the brown jellybeans.

Gandalf Action Figure
It turns out that an 8-inch tall plastic Gandalf can't do dick-all to magically get rid of my dreary work. It might as well be a stupid plastic Peregrin Took, for all the good it has done me.

Prince Farquad Torturing the Ginger-Bread Man
This little figure used to give me much joy -- I loved Shrek, and this was my favorite scene. Lately, however, the prince has begun to look a bit like my boss. Plus, since I always smell faintly of fresh-baked gingerbread (it's a genetic condition), the diminutive statue has a distinctly smaller appeal.

Praying Mantis
In a 3 gallon vivarium, I've my pet common African praying mantis. It's a juvenile yet, so I can't tell whether it is male or female. He/she is strikingly beautiful -- a brilliant grass-green color. Mostly she/he just hangs upside-down, gorging him/herself on crickets. Which only reminds me that all I do all day, everyday, is sit in front of my computer in this tiny cube, stuffing donuts and ring-dings into my face.

3 Yodas
Like the Wisemen at Jesus' birth, these three diminutive plastic Yodas come to my humble manger/cubicle bearing gifts: daydreams of a galaxy far, far away, and of the dismemberment of some of my co-workers with a lightsaber. Unfortunately, "anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering," and, more importantly, lightsabers don't exist. Plus, even if they did, I'm certain I'd be stuck selling real-estate for instead of fufilling my glorious Jedi destiny.

Yup, it's pretty clear that all of these toys and knick-knacks bring great joy to my workplace. Jimminy Christmas, can't you all just feel the smile spreading across my face?

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