I was completely taken by surprise a couple of weeks ago to see on CNN that John Ratzenberger is the new Pope! I know! I'm as shocked as you are. But, as the ol' saying goes, "The Lord works in mysterious ways, not to mention the Holy Spirit -- s/he/it can float through walls."
So what can we expect from Pope Ratzenberger (who has taken the name "Clifford I")?
Well, first and foremost, instead of wine, communion will offer a full-bodied lager with a nice head. Oh, and speaking of head, I think it's awesome that a Pope would come from Boston, where all of the best priests are. What about all those pesky claims of sexual abuse you ask? Rest assured Pope Ratzenberger will ignore it even better than the last Pope. "I will ignore the accusations of abuse even better than the last Pope," says Pope Ratzenberger in issuing his first encyclical. Anyway, I bet all those feisty, underage alter boys waited until after communion, when the priest was a little drunk, to seduce them. How could it be their fault? "How indeed," says Pope Ratzenberger. "You can be sure that I, the Lord God, and the Holy Spirit and all the other people in the Vatican, right down to the security guards, will continue to ignore those sexed-up alter boys and protect our own just as Pope John Paul II did, but even more this time. It's just like my lovable friend Sam Malone, who was a drunk in his early days. I'm sure in a drunken state he slept with a few underage girls, but that doesn't mean they didn't want it. Remember how Job's daughters got him drunk and seduced him? Same difference."
Oh, and it's so cool how the Vatican uses smoke signals to indicate whether or not they've chosen a new Pope. It's like they're giving props to Native Americans. I've learned that the smoke signals are code, which in Italian mean, "We Pick 'Em Pope." No cell phones or Blackberries for them. "Don't worry believers, we will never give in to the modern world and it's evil technologies. I promise to preach our ignorance and ridiculousness with even more fervor. You know about the widespread AIDS in Africa? You don't? Oh, then never mind. But in my uber-strictness I must emphasize that not only can you not use birth control, but you must adhere to the strict teachings of the bible and not have sex unless it's for procreation. What? You're leaving to become an Episcopalian? OK, OK, I take that one back, just please, please don't leave and take your money with you. But everything else is still wrong!" I'm so excited about this going backward, refusing to change idea, I'm nearly shitting my pants. I just can't wait until I can have me some slaves, just like it says in the bible. Then I can shit my pants all I want because I'll have my slaves to clean them!
It's just so practical how Pope Ratzenberger believes not only in no sex before marriage, just like in the bible, he thinks sex should only be used to deposit sperm in the "down there" part of a woman. This is awesome for two reasons 1) it turns women back into the receptacles they should be and 2) now we know how he must have felt about Sam and Diane's relationship -- though certainly Diane must have seduced Sam into it, just as Eve seduced Adam to eat the forbidden apple from the Tree of Knowledge and thus she was singularly responsible for the fall of mankind for all of eternity. Awesome! And talk about justice! Punishing all women forever by making childbirth horribly painful seems fair. After all, Eve took a bite of an apple that she was told by God not to. Why couldn't she eat the apple? "Just 'cause I said so," respondeth the Lord. I hate that bitch Eve anyway. Our new Pope will put women back in their place. "I was never too good with the ladies, most never gave me the time of day, not even that fatty Kirsty Alley. So now it's time for payback. I'm going to make all women pay. The worst thing to happen to men and marriage is 'feminism,' and now it's time to shut up and stand behind like the bible tells you to. Oh, by the way, now I'm infallible, so you have to do what I say. I can't make a mistake -- so there!"
And in his final holy words, with much anticipation, Pope Ratzenberger named his number two, his right hand man, the guy who can get things with just a phone and a barstool -- the very holy, honorable, red-faced ...