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Verbal Poop
by kirk   February 2, 2006

doublespeak Have you recently been victim of a verbal pooping? Uncertain what that is?

Verbal poop is that dialogue which shoots, drips, spills and/or plops out of one's mouth when one is not 100% certain of that which one speaks. In laymen's terms, verbal pooping is not quite lying, not really being dishonest, not exactly avoiding the truth, not directly "faking it," but at the same time it is all of these things with a floating Lincoln log in that "Super Bowl" of potty talking: double-speak. In the olden days, they said, "he's chewing gum." Today, I shall not mix metaphors for obvious reasons.

It's so hard in America to not squeeze out a verbal nugget now and then. We're conditioned to it (I think it's what we eat). We're so constipated with cheeseburgers and potatoes we actually take out our physical distress on those around us, with a different kind of dropping. I, too, am guilty. Though, I am also an activist for putting an end to this constant drip a little, wipe it up, put on a new pair of panties exchange of crap we feel so free to do. 99% of the time, I am doing my best to not leave verbal pooplets on other people. However, if I do bomb them with a butt rocket, I try to clean a bit, spray a little potpourri and warn them, "Hey, I wouldn't take what I just said too seriously -- at least not for a good 1/2 hour!" Because it's not always easy to control.

I work in sales and consulting and when "the customer is always right," sometimes I'm in a hell of a predicament because it's my job to tell them they're wrong. But, I also want their business, which half of the time just means making them feel right, so I tap-dance around the fact that they're wrong or disagree with slight "maybes" and "if you're lucky" and "You never know!" All verbal poops.

Verbal poops are that which happen to you every day at:

  • The Grocery store: "Did you find everything you need?" (Of course I did--otherwise I'd have come to find you and tell you!)
  • The bank: "It seems your account might not have enough funds for that, sir, though our loan department may be able to help in the future, at this time it is our policy to work with 100% cash collateral." (So, for this $10,000 loan--I'd need to have $10,000?) Bank: "That's our way of saying 'yes' to your potential!"
  • The coffee shop: "How's your day so far?"(Shitty--I haven't had coffee yet!)
  • Business: "That sounds great, we'd love to hear more! Thanks for dropping by" (Okay, you'd like to hear more...now...? Or, like, in 15 years? I'm here now. I can tell you more now.)
  • Casual Acquaintance: "Hey buddy, how you been? How come we never see ya anymore? Gotta keep in touch! Gotta go! Take care! Keep in touch!" (If I do -- am I going to regret it?!)
  • The critic/foe: "Saw your stuff at the thing the other day -- great stuff! Someday we should brainstorm and see if there's anything we could do together!"
  • Or the worst one of all; the long, stinky, lumpy, corn-filled verbal poop: "I...just remembered, oh...there's my cell phone...someone just walked in...I'm on the other line, but now's not a good time, but keep me updated on...we're actually fully committed right now, but we do our budget in July...I'm not the decision maker...gotta go!"

That's not nice at all. That's poop, but more so, it's crap I'd rather hear the truth, than the poop. You don't have to hurt my feelings in the process like saying, "You're a fat butt face, Kirk! You untalented piece of crap!" Rather, just go with, "Hey, today's not your lucky day, because I'm not doing this deal with you, but, good luck!" I believe wishing someone good luck can never be dishonest, because with Karma, saying it makes it so. Even if you hate someone, wishing them luck makes them feel good -- whereby you score brownie points with your future endeavors and the elements which control them!

Here are some examples of how to get to the point, in a sensible manner:

  • Grocery Store: "Good afternoon, paper or plastic?" (Cut to the chase!)
  • Bank: "Sir, you don't have enough money." or "At this time, we're saying 'no' and that's our way of saying 'no'" (Thank you!)
  • Coffee shop: "Enjoy your coffee!" (Again, thank you!)
  • Business deal: "You know what--I'm not buying it unless it's cheap for me and makes me more money than it makes you!" (Your honesty sir, may it reap you 72 young lady friends ina nearby future hot tub.)
  • Casual Acquaintance: "Didn't we use to know each other?" If no, then: "Well I've seen you around." (Fair enough) If yes, then: "Well, those were the days, eh! Good luck with your life!" (You, too!)
  • The critic: Foe: "Hey rat-face, saw you got another deal--that just fuels my fire buddy, so watch out!" (Hey, good luck with that pet project in your basement, baldy!)

Okay, I am becoming a bit ill, and this topic's visuals are not exactly appetizing, so I'll wrap it up by saying this: if you have nothing better to say, just say the truth, however it comes out! It always hurts a little at first, but what relief! Because verbal turds, regardless of size, shape, smell, consistency, in the end are not pleasant. So, to close I will reiterate: Poop from your bum is normal, natural and quite necessary. Poop from your mouth is stinky, stupid, unecessary and bad for your Karma.

Please, next time when you feel a strong urge to drop a mini-keelboat on your fellow fellas and felines with your very crappy, not so earnest, fake "happy thoughts," rather just push it back into your brain with all your might. Perhaps pinch off one very slight, subtle driblet of a "take care" and embrace the slight heart-burn-ish pain you may feel from the pressure of not being able to vent your dishonest juicy squirt on someone you don't care about. Then, go home and take a long look in the mirror, grab a Mr. Microphone and shit your butt off with a good naked karaoke all night long on the porcelain pedestal. I promise you'll feel better in the morning. If that doesn't work, milk of magnesia is a very good thing.


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